Ralphie

A racoon started showing up on my fire escape. When I started telling people about the racoon, everyone said the same thing, "Really, what are you doing to get rid of it?" My response was, "Uh...putting out apples and warm towels."

Contrary to popular belief, apples and warm towels do not get rid of racoons.

I named him Ralphie. Apparently I have joint custody with one of our neighbors because he's only here a couple of nights a week. I've wanted a pet for a while. I can't pet him and he's probably rabid, but you take what you can get.

He's got some grey, so he might be a little older. And racoons are nocturnal, so every day about sunset, he gets up, starts grooming, combing his hair, getting ready for his night out on the town. He checks himself out in the window reflection. I probably wouldn't even have known he was out there, if he weren't singing, "Oh yes, it's ladies night and the feelings right, oh yes it's ladies night, oh what a night..."

Naked at the Accountants

It's tax season. So like many Americans, today I sat across the desk from my accountant. It was the usual scene. After handing over W-2's, I sat with one hand on my husband's leg to reassure him, and the other scratching the accountant's dog's ass to keep him from whimpering, while my accountant and I reminisced about the funny tax-mail snafu of 2005, oh what a funny mix-up.

Art, my husband, has always filed his own taxes, so this was his first time to sit financially naked in front of someone else. Trying to resist the urge to protect his privates, he fidgeted in his seat like a boy in the principal's office, while looking at his virgin W-2’s exposed on the desk.

I don't think twice about having someone else do my taxes. First of all, I know I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Secondly, someone else doing it gets me more money back. And I've been financially naked for years. When my friends would ask me to go do something and I said, "I can't, I'm broke," they knew that I meant it. Broke – that was my financial status.

So after Art answered the questions, he relaxed. The dog even got tired and went and slept in his bed. Things were good, until the accountant made the mistake of candidly saying "So you're a Security Engineer, what do you know about..." then proceeded to ask Art a series of tech security questions, all resorting in the answer that the network is totally unsecured and could be hacked at any moment.

I should mention that Art spends his days hacking into networks and his pet peeve is how insecure business networks are. He's overly cautious when it comes to security. It took a half-day tutorial for me to learn how to get online at home.

So after giving this man all of our personal information, Art is a nervous wreck when he finds out the accountant doesn’t have a firewall. He's looking at me like, "What have you gotten me into?" And I’m calmly looking at him like, “Ah, live on the edge, have a little unprotected accounting every now and then. You only live once.”

Then the clincher is when we're all done and about to leave, the accountant says to Art, "Oh one last thing, just give me your checking account number and the refund will direct deposit." Art quickly looked back and forth between the accountant and his virus laden computer. He was so flustered that he gave the accountant and old phone number and his social security number before giving him the correct checking account number.

Soy Lucky

I've been at comedy for over a year and I finally got my big break!

Fame, although elusive and persnickety, finally found me. No, not my name in lights at the Beekman Theatre or my name on the board outside of Caroline’s Comedy Club – but my name in chalk at Soy Luck Club! That's right, a drink named after moi...for a limited time only....right under the panini special.

Actually, it should be called Bev's Frog Frost, and not Bev's Tropical Frost, but I won't get bogged down with details – they got my name right! It could have been Beth's Tropical Frost or Becky's Tropical Bird – but no, it's Bev's! So my name is finally on a board somewhere! Whoo-hooo!

I know fame is fleeting and fragile. At any moment, my 15 minutes of food fame could be over with just the swipe of an eraser, so I've got to enjoy it while it lasts. So get on down to Soy Luck Club and say you want a Bev's Frog Frost.

And I don't want to hear any whining that it's snowing out and too cold for an iced drink. My drink is season-less, like a white t-shirt or a Marc Jacobs bag. Bev's Frog Frost is not for the weak, it's not for the faint-hearted... it's for the ballsy, tough, rugged people who can handle the raw power of pure green tea, coconut and honey.

Be all that you can be – with some green tea.

www.soyluckclub.com

* Drink green tea at your own risk.

** The comments above are comedic and do not reflect the views ofthe Soy Luck Club or any of its affiliates.

*** These statements have not be approved by the Food and Frog Administration.

**** If you are allergic to nuts, you should not attend one of Bev's comedy shows, because there are a lot of nuts there.