Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Outed by a 4 year-old

My 3 year-old had an older friend over to play today, a 4 year-old girl. They were playing and I gave them some "ice-cream" which is really frozen organic yogurt.

I'm walking off and I hear her friend say, "This isn't ice-cream, it's yogurt."

I thought, man, she just undid all my hard work. I felt like Valerie Plame getting outed. I'll never get her to respect the yogurt again. There is some discussion between them, then my daughter walks into the room where I am and says, "Is this yogurt ice-cream?"

And I say, "Yes!" Brilliant, yogurt-ice-cream, that way they can both be right!

And she looks at it for a minute and says, "Okay." Then she goes out of the room and continues to eat it.

That was a close one.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Blinker Stinkers

What is it with men not wanting to use blinkers? Is it because it's a form of communication that they have trouble with it? "Am I making a left or going straight? Pfft, nobody needs to know my business!"

Thursday, September 20, 2012


The main thing that separates my generation from my parents generation isn't fashion, comedic references or agility, but use of grammer. Specifically improper use of articles.

"He's A gay."
Or "We're going to THE Target."

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Blake and Ryan in my backyard

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds got married down the road from where I live and I find out from People! I should've found out from, well, people. Here I am schlepping around buying groceries and diapers, probably driving past them completely clueless. I definitely need to get back in touch with celebrity gossip.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Really Romney?

"Borrow money from your parents" to start a business? Is this the best financial advice a proposed president has? Presumptuous of him to think the college students he was speaking to a.) had living parents and b.) had parents with enough extra cash to fund a start up.

But he's no stranger to tough times. Clearly the downturn in the economy has rendered him unable to hire a speech writer in touch with the average American.He caught a lot of flack for this comment. I'm looking forward to his solution to high gas prices, options like, "Dude, just borrow your dad's gas card."Original speech:

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Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Bitchiness - Top Cause of Illiteracy

This past weekend my daughter starts talking about going to the Library to get "a Wiggles book! A WIGGLES BOOK!"

We went by one day and it was closed all Labor Day weekend. She talked about the library off and on for the long holiday weekend. Finally today we get to go to the library. I warn her that if we don't hurry, it might close before we get there.

She was literally panting with anticipation. We couldn't find a parking spot and she started getting fidgety like a kid whose parent was driving PAST Disney World. We park and she is foaming at the mouth for books. Ecstatic! Overjoyed, filled with anticipation! She's helping me push her brother's baby stroller to make sure we make it.

As a mother, I'm having a proud moment because reading is the cause of all the excitement. We get to the steps of the library, and she is beaming. She enthusiastically asks the librarian getting books out of the outside book drop if they are still open. The librarian says yes, and my daughter throws her arms up in the air and yells, "Hooray!"

The librarian immediately snaps at her and says, "Sssshhhhhhhhh! Be quiet!"

This is why South Carolina has the third highest adult illiteracy rate in the United States. Shush Monsters are in charge of all the books. I imagined Cerberus, the gruesome three headed dog, guarding the gates of hell with more warmth and compassion. I had a flashback to my childhood and getting shushed in the library. I realized that it never dawned on people working in the library system that their job is less about protecting the books from loud noises, and more about encouraging people to enjoy books. Who decided that libraries are sacred, quiet places? I never get shushed at Barnes and Noble. And we weren't even inside the library building yet, thus the shush was very unwarranted.

And a shush is the ultimate insult. It's like a verbal slap in the face. If I wanted to slap someone without using my hands, I'd just shush them.

There are people with PhD's sitting in offices racking their brains to figure out how to get children excited about learning, about reading. Here's a simple first step, don't put bitches in charge of the books. Secondly, if you want to get people excited about learning, libraries shouldn't be oppressive. They should be like a poetry slam. People should be reading, loudly with expressive voices. People should be excited. Libraries should be like a Starbucks with a stage and books. They should be fun. They should be inviting. And even worse than the shush, when my daughter got to the library counter to inquire if they had her aforementioned book of choice, the librarian shot an annoyed glare, like we had just asked to make meth in the bathroom, "The Wiggles? Ugh, NO, there's NO Wiggles books, maybe DVDs." Her voice dripping with distain.

My daughter is 3 years-old, was the librarian expecting her to ask for Vonnegut? Maybe Thoreau? Some Whitman?

The worst part is, it is going to take forever for me to get my daughter's enthusiasm back up again about going to the library. She might never be that excited again to go. Unless... maybe we can have a poetry slam on the steps of the library. And she can read and be as loud as she wants. And when the librarians frantically come out and ask her to stop, her only response to put them in their place will be, "Sssssshhhhhhhhh!"

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