Trip

I need a vacation. I'm ready to go somewhere new where I can be inspired... Or be annoyed by a new set of circumstances. I want to travel, out of my comfort zone.

Follow the Leader

My 3 year-old is constantly yelling, "I'm the leader!" Then she'll cut in front of me an enviably walk slower than I would have.

I think that is how our politicians behave, too. Make a big ta-doo about getting in the leadership position, then do everything 10 times slower than they should.

Gymborpee

(Blog for parental eyes only.)

What chemicals do they treat these baby clothes with that makes them immediately poop once putting them on?

I can pretty much guarantee that my son will have a wayward crap within 7 to 12 minutes of putting him in a new outfit. And I'm not talking about one of those where a dab of poo comes out the side of the diaper, I'm talking about an up the back, over the shoulder poop explosion.

It doesn't make any sense, I even wash the clothes before to make them seem a little broken in, but he still somehow knows.

I can even change him from ruining one new outfit into another brand new outfit, and he still has mysteriously saved enough to completely decimate another one.

Maybe babies are like dogs, they have to poop and pee to mark their territory. It's like, "Hey, wait a minute, that's my onsie! Lemme see it. Yeah, that's mine. That's my signature on the back - poop from the mid-back to left shoulder."

That's why newborns pee and poop all the time. It's not because their tiny little bodies can't hold much milk, it's because to them it's all new clothes! And that's why they sleep all the time. They're exhausted. They think, "Man, I just got here and nobody marked my clothes for me. None of these clothes have stains! I'm going to have to work through the night to mark all these."

There shouldn't be any stool softeners on the market for children. If someone has a constipated child, they shouldn't be heading to CVS or Walgreens, but Carter's or Gymboree. And the more expensive the outfit, the more massive the explosion. For a real bowel eviction, I always spend a few extra bucks on a Janie and Crap outfit.

I'd rather call India

Everyone complains about calling 800 numbers and no one speaks English. I actually prefer it to when you get someone who does speak English and is mildly annoyed that you called.

Instead of some eager worker on the other side of the world hoping to impress you with his English, you get some schmo in a warehouse in Baltimore who is annoyed that he has to stop sexting his girlfriend to take your call.

You can tell by the passive aggressive way they say things like, "You know you can find this on our website." With the undertone of 'gross, this moron is probably calling from a landline.'

Or the line they deliver with utter disdain, "Do you have access to the Internet?"

I like to skeeve them out and say, "No, can you explain what the Internet is?"