Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Simple Steps for Celebrity Publicity

You too can act like a celebrity by following Bev's simples steps to fame!

1.) Adopt a child from Africa and/or check in rehab
2.) Get pregnant or knock someone up
3.) Bad-mouth another celebrity.
4.) Work with acting coach to practice being surprised by all the publicity.
5.) Repeat steps 1-4 above.

WARNING: In case of an emergency, if press goes bad, schedule an impromptu appearance on Oprah.

Friday, October 20, 2006

I'll be BRIEf

I ordered a turkey and Gouda sandwich at Au Bon Pain during lunch. For some reason it took two girls to make my sandwich, one of which put brie cheese on it. The other girl looked at her and said, "Girrrrrl, that ain't Gouda! That's Brie! You gotta be careful because there's people who can tell the difference."

Then they both silently eyed me, trying to decipher if I was one of those wacky eccentrics who can tell the difference between Gouda and Brie.

No way was I getting pigeonholed into the crazy cheese connoisseur stereotype. I kept my trap shut when I saw them put Swiss on the sandwich, and called it a day.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Single Serving Discrimination

Last night I was alone and had an hour to kill and a stomach to fill, so I stopped in Hollywood Diner on 16th and 6th. Although the word “Hollywood” before diner is meant to create the illusion of a place that might have svelte Ford models doubling as servers, it’s really the kind of place where a cook named Sal might smoke Parliaments while burning your tuna melt.

I tell the waiter/host that I want a booth and he takes me to a table instead and says that it’s a busy time. I bent my knees and was about butt contact with the chair when I did some quick math: 4 empty booths, 9 empty tables. He's saving the booths for a party of 2 or more. I realized, “WAIT A MINUTE…I just got snubbed at a DINER!” A diner, for crying out loud! How embarrassing!

This is the equivalent of being in an almost-empty McDonald’s and a really snooty Ronald character comes up to you and says, “Excuse me, this booth is reserved.”

So I dissed back. That’s right! I stood back up and walked out of there. I took a stand against Single Serving Discrimination. There are plenty of places in New York that will let a solo girl get a meal without having to sit in the No Friends Section.

Liberate yourself! Take a stand.