Al Black

Is it just me or do Lewis Black and Al Franken look alike?
Kinda like Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle.

Panera Beeeb

Every time I place an order at Panera Bread, they ask for my name, and get it wrong. The first time I was there, my order was ready and they yelled out for "Beeeb!" Then proceeded to get annoyed when I didn't promptly pick it up. "Beeeb! BEEEEEB!!!"

Since then, if they yell out a name that starts wit a B, and it looks like something I want to eat, I take it off the counter. And it's not just me. I stood there one day as orders were picked up for Snodd, Bekorg and Orb. And for the record, they were all plain vanilla, conservative looking people. 'Orb' looked like she was from Greenwich, CT and there's no way it was her given name.

Today the name I was dubbed was Belly. Belly! If that's not enough to make you rethink eating a fattening chain lunch, I don't know what is.

"Belly! BELLL-EEEEEYYYY!!! I no know where is her. Belllyyy! Oh, you Belly?"

Unfortunately yes.

What Happens in Detroit, Stays in Detroit

An ironic and interesting concept, using full-body medical scanners to screen people at airport security:

http://www.rodale.com/airport-body-scan-radiation?cm_mmc=DailyNewsNL-_-2010_01_08-_-Top5-_-NA

Ironic because although healthcare reform was shot down, money shows up immediately for national 'security'*. It proves that Americans aren't afraid of a slow, painful death, in fact, we expect it. But, a sudden one? Forget it, how soon can these scanners be installed?

If they are going to have TSA employees using equipment designed for medical reasons, they should have a doctor on hand to view it. Not to make sure it is used properly, but to say things like, "Don't forget your pocket change, and you might want to have that left kidney checked. Have a nice flight."

And whether dressed or not, it's human nature to check people out. So now all the terrorists have to do is find a guy with a giant johnson. I mean, really, who's going to notice a guy's jacket woven from explosives and matches in the pocket, when his dingle dangles to is knees?

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*I used the sarcasm quotes on security because the Detroit bombing attempt could have been avoided with bomb sniffing dogs or officials reading the terrorist watch list, or noticing cash being paid for a one way ticket. And what do terrorists have against round trip tickets?

E-Tox

Because of my love of recycling, today I'm dusting off last year's resolution and using it this year. It's brand new, never been used.

I'm e-toxing. I'm going to attempt to go two weeks without checking e-mail. I say, attempt, because I don't know if it's ever been done... at least it hasn't been done by me.

I'm sure a full e-tox would involve going completely offline. No blogging, no facebook, no web. But baby steps. I have resolved to not use the message feature on facebook because it's too close to e-mail.

Hot and Cold

I know some people are hot-natured and others are cold-natured. Then there are those whose apt is burning up in the summer and freezing in the winter. They aren't hot natured or cold-natured, but cheap-natured. Everyone knows someone who keeps their thermastat set on cheap.

These are the same people who will have a dinner party and only one lamp on in the whole house, and set candles on the table for ambiance. Great, now the mood for the table is frugal.

Why Having a Newborn is like Living with a Drunk...

After a couple of bottles, she passes out and I have to carry her to bed.

At least once a week she throws up in my hair.

She always instigates an argument with a completely innocent blanket.

There's lots of crying for no apparent reason.

She slurs her words, and has no concept of how loud she's talking.

She's always spilling her drink on her shirt.

She craps her pants in her sleep, and really, who hasn't done that while drunk?

Her hands start to shake when she's gone too long without a bottle.

She always has the hiccups.

And inevitably, around 3 am, she calls and I have to go and pick her up.

Charming Apt

What I love about NYC living. I'm looking for a furnished rental for the summer. When I look online, I get the following descriptions:

Stunning 2 bedroom, 1 bath garden apartment in quiet charming neighborhood. Sleeps 12...

Twelve! Twelve what? People? Not in a two bedroom!

Then it will show a close up photo of a plant and another photo of the 'master bedroom' which is the left half of an unmade bed covered in dirty clothes.

Only in New York.

Dragging Down Britian's Got Talent...

I know everyone has been Boyled over by her performance, but is it just me or does Susan Boyle look like Simon Cowell in Drag?

Dinosaur Goes to Brunch

This past weekend my husband and I were eating brunch and overhead a girl at the table next to us say, "I mean, like, I wonder what it was like for people who were in college without Facebook or cell phones. They must have been so disconnected."

When we heard this, my husband and I had the exact same thought, which was. "We were more connected that you'll ever be."

She spoke about these days gone by as if there isn't anyone alive now that she could possibly ask about pre-Facebook and pre-cell phone days. Like there was an ice age between the 80's/early 90's and today that broke the links to ever know about lives of these low-tech humans.

She and her friends continued to ponder this era gone, "I mean, if you wanted to get in touch with a friend, would you just show up at their apartment?" Yeah, you would. "Or would you call them on a land line?" Yeah, and back in the day, we just called that 'the phone.' "And if you didn't have Facebook, how would you know what all your friends are up to?"

First of all, back in the day, instead of "friends" we had friends. And there was no level of distiniction. Either you were friends with someone or not. Now, there are levels of friendship: people you like enough as a 'friend' to Facebook with, people you might be close enough with to actually e-mail, people a step up that you might consider talking on the phone with, and then the 'friends' that you might like enough to meet up with in person.

Back in the day, friends were people that you actually wanted to be around. Crazy concept, I know!

And you would know what your friends were up to because you would ask them. Not just be a voyer and read up on their Facebook status.

So if you know people curious about their caveman ancestors, feel free to forward this. Errh, I mean, facebook it, myspace it, text it, g-chat it, tweet it to all your 'friends.'

Hooter Hiders?

Apparently this nursing cover product is for ‘discreet’ breastfeeding. Oddly enough, it looks like a carnival tent attached to the front of this woman’s body. Although I love the clever name ‘Hooter Hiders’, it’s an understatement. These are definitely hiding more than just hooters! A caravan of elephants could hide under these things!

To me, it doesn’t look discreet or stylish, but suspicious. It makes me wonder what type of circus is going on under there. Is there juggling? Cotton candy? How old is the child? Should he or she be in school? Is she really just breastfeeding a child or is she serving a 3-course meal to a pack of bearded women carnies? And most importantly, would a simple, solid colored scarf not do the trick?

But who am I to judge? If you want to have some fun breastfeeding Barnum and Bailey style, step right up and get your very own circus tent online…

http://www.babybella.biz/inc/sdetail/56879

Need More Than 150 G's, Please...

Okay, so I know that the nightmare is over. The world is safe again, and America won't be turned into Wasilla. I know it's okay. But then Newsweek reports this today and I just can't let it go.

Apparently Palin spent more than the reported $150,000 on clothes for her and her family, and an aid described it as "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast."

Check out the second section:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/167581

President for Sale

Someone e-mailed this link to calculate what you'd save on Obama's tax plan: http://alchemytoday.com/obamataxcut/

In addition to those cost savings, you get my 2 cents:

Now, I know we Americans like to buy some cheap shit. We're Costco lovin', coupon clippin', CVS discount card havin' patriots of the old red, white and blue... but do we really need to take our discount savings cards into the voting booth?

I'm curious, so I calculated now much I save on the candidates plans, and on Obama's plan I save the most, around $3 a day. $3 a day? Americans are going to vote on a leader than can change history and the price tag is only $3 a day?

Honestly, I'd rather lose $3 a day or $5 a day or $10 a day and know that I live in a country where bozo's aren't running the government, people's retirements aren't getting flushed down the toilets, and billions of dollars aren't being sent abroad to kill people. We shouldn't cheap out when it comes to voting!

We never learn from the consequences of saving a political buck? We exported all of our jobs, so we can have cheap toxic toys and cheap electronics. Now, India and China have a thriving economy and we're borrowing money from communists.

So, at the end of your $3 day, make sure your cheap ass votes on issues that matter.


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New York Gnats

It's October 16th in New York and 75 degrees. A temperature that might fall under the 'unseasonably warm' or 'Indian Summer' category. But I went for a run and realized that it falls under the 'apocalypic hot' category.

I went for a run and not only did I hear cicadas... but I ran through a patch of gnats. GNATS! In New York! If I weren't a born and bread Georgia girl, I probably wouldn't even know what gnats were. Then a guy stopped me and another woman on the street, and I thought he was trying to hand me a flyer, but instead he said, "Excuse me, excuse me, did you just walk through some gnats, too?" He was completely floored.

Gnats and cicadas, don't these insects know that it's Fall? Damn you, Al Gore, why couldn't we have heard you sooner!

Maverick in the Making...

As unsettling as it is, the above photos are of me. I'm now a faux-maverick.

I signed on with an agency to be a Palin impersonator, which I personally find hysterical.

If Obama loses the election, I can offset the gut-wrenching disappointment and find comfort in the fact that I'll have work next year - I might be the only person with work in the US, but I'll be working.

This creates an emotional dilemma, if McCain wins, good for me... bad for the rest of the world. It's kind of like when I had to choose between a chemical laden, animal tested moisturizing creme that made my face smooth as a baby's butt, and an organic lotion that won't give me cancer.

... But I'm the spittin' image of a woman 10 years older than me, so I guess you know which one I chose.

Joey Biden

Here's what I love about Joe Biden, he’s not afraid to sport the political mullet.... you know, senator in the front, party in the back. It's subtle, but it's there, the front is letting you know, "I’m authoritative and knowledgeable," the back says "I drive a Trans Am."

You go Joe! Rock the PoliMullet.