Tuesday, November 06, 2012


(Blog for parental eyes only.)

What chemicals do they treat these baby clothes with that makes them immediately poop once putting them on?

I can pretty much guarantee that my son will have a wayward crap within 7 to 12 minutes of putting him in a new outfit. And I'm not talking about one of those where a dab of poo comes out the side of the diaper, I'm talking about an up the back, over the shoulder poop explosion.

It doesn't make any sense, I even wash the clothes before to make them seem a little broken in, but he still somehow knows.

I can even change him from ruining one new outfit into another brand new outfit, and he still has mysteriously saved enough to completely decimate another one.

Maybe babies are like dogs, they have to poop and pee to mark their territory. It's like, "Hey, wait a minute, that's my onsie! Lemme see it. Yeah, that's mine. That's my signature on the back - poop from the mid-back to left shoulder."

That's why newborns pee and poop all the time. It's not because their tiny little bodies can't hold much milk, it's because to them it's all new clothes! And that's why they sleep all the time. They're exhausted. They think, "Man, I just got here and nobody marked my clothes for me. None of these clothes have stains! I'm going to have to work through the night to mark all these."

There shouldn't be any stool softeners on the market for children. If someone has a constipated child, they shouldn't be heading to CVS or Walgreens, but Carter's or Gymboree. And the more expensive the outfit, the more massive the explosion. For a real bowel eviction, I always spend a few extra bucks on a Janie and Crap outfit.

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