Not So Fast

I usually fast twice a year. It involves eating healthy for two weeks, then boiling a bunch of juices like a crazed witch doctor, and drinking them for a day.

A new place called Yapples opened up around the corner and they have a 1 day fast package. I’m lazy and a sucker for an easy fix, so I thought I’d try it. It’s “breakfast”, “lunch”, “dinner” and a wheatgrass shot.

I did the wheatgrass shot and left. Minutes later, I became queasy. I have a theory that if you’re sick, but don’t think about it, it will just get bored and go away. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I decided to out-think the vomit. I turned on the TV and absorbed myself in a saved episode of Ugly Betty.

I don’t know if I got a hold of some bad wheatgrass, or if there were so many bad toxins in my stomach that the healthy wheatgrass didn’t stand a chance, but I ended up yappling all afternoon. Maybe the wheatgrass antioxidants were ready for battle, then they looked around at all the free radicals in my stomach that they were up against and decided to retreat.

So, like Old Faithful, I spend the rest of the afternoon between napping and spewing, until my neighbor, Boom Chica, caught something on fire downstairs. It smelt like an electrical fire. It was awful. Even thought it was 30 degrees outside, I opened up every window. There’s nothing worse than having stomach woes and being trapped in a smelly place.

I couldn't take it, so I went to figure out what was going on. Boom Chica was all “oh, yeah, sorry, I, uh, was, uh, cooking something in the oven and it made that smell. “ I was like, “What were you cooking, a lamp?”

So now, after losing a whole day, I’m almost back to my old self. But please learn from my mistake.

Lesson #1 – If you go to a place named Yapples, there’s a chance you’ll yapple.

Lesson #2 – I don’t care if it’s called a Buttery Nipple, Purple Hooter or Wheatgrass, if it’s served to you over a counter in a shot glass, there’s a good chance it will make you hurl.

Lesson #3 – if your local juice bar has health foods in the front and tanning beds in the back, be weary.