Redefining Define

So, this weekend I decided to splurge on a pair of jeans at this little boutique in Hoboken.

As I'm paying for them, I ask the sales guy, "If these don't fit, can I return them?" And he's like, "Oh sure, just bring them back in 7 days."

So, I come home, try them on for Art. I'm facing him and he says, "Those look good, turn to the side." So I turn to the side and he says, "Yeah, I like those." I'm feeling good about myself, feeling sassy, and he says, "Let me see the back." And I turn and he says, "Ewwwh...uh...um...they make your ass look...uh... weird." I run to the mirror and sure enough, it looks like I've been rear-ended by an Escalade. My ass is all poofy at the top and flat as a pancake at the bottom.

I won't make any bones about it, I've got a big round booty. When you buy jeans, you want your butt to either maintain status quo, or look better...but never car-wreck ass.

So, the very next day, I take the jeans back. Same guy is there and says that they don't do refunds....

Say what?

I had my receipt and everything. Normally, I would have let it go, but I've got a cold, haven't slept in days, PMS and quite frankly, I'm feeling a little pissy. I ask who the store owner was...he was the store owner.

The no-refund policy would have been good information the previous day when I was paying for them, because I wouldn't have bought the ass-wreck jeans.

He kindly explains that this is the policy, incase they can't sell the items again. Which makes me think that I'm the only sucker in the world willing to buy jeans from this place. And I'm like, "What? But I'm giving you the jeans back and you will be able to resell them." And he smirks and says, "Yeah, I know...but what if they did't resell." So now, I'm roped into some pyramid scheme and am strangely responsible for the retail fate of these jeans.

Then he goes on to say, which is my personal favorite, that this is his policy because denim is very expensive and stores don't make money on jeans. But, but, denim...it's made out of cotton, the same thing is in q-tips, and t-shirts...

So the moral of the story is...beware of the boutique, and when you drop a few hundred on jeans, make sure it looks like you could bounce a quarter off your ass.

*For your viewing pleasure, I added a pic of the guido store owner that I pulled from his myspace page, back at cha, Roberto!