Madam President

So, it's an election year. It's that time again where I think, "Would I want to be President?"

But I wouldn't want to be President. Not because it's stressful, and people would always be trying to kill me, and every decision could effect millions, but because I can't see myself living in the White House. I think home and office should be separate, like church and state or ice-cream and ketchup. I didn't even like having a Blackberry, so I know that if people from work were knocking on my door in the middle of the night, it would really piss me off.

Another problem is that all my diplomacy skills were learned as a child from my mother. As President, I'm sure I'd say stupid things to bickering world leaders like, "I don't care which one of you started it, I'm gonna finish it!" Then I'd sit with my finger on the button and say, "I'm counting to three and you guys better have this mess cleaned up. One....two...." And of course at some point I'd have to use the threat, "Don't make me pull this motorcade over!"

I'd create some sort of scandal moving in, bringing in all my IKEA furniture. The president of Iran would be over for RedBull and corn chips, and he'd sit down in my ill-crafted chair. It would break, he'd be humiliated, and World War III would start all because I never figured out where to put a couple of extra bolts.

And the first couple of weeks of my presidency would be awkward for everyone until I broke the habit of coming home from work in the summer and removing all my clothes in the living room.

Not to mention, I don't think I could handle the 4 year job commitment. I've never worked anywhere for 4 years!

But all those aside, the absolute main reason I can't be President is because my husband and I are slobs. We don't even invite people we know over, so I can't imagine foreign dignitaries seeing the filth we live in. We'd use the Lincoln bedroom for storage, there would be a mystery box of papers in the corner of the Oval office, and a broken TV next to a working TV in the west wing. Greeting visiting Prime Ministers would include saying things like, "Have a seat...what is that? ..huh, I don't know, just throw it on the floor."

But if, for some reason, I survived the mandatory four years in office without being impeached for inappropriate behavior, I'm confident I'd screw it up in the end when reporters ask what I plan to do now that I'm no longer President and I say, "Pee with the bathroom door open."